This month was the most emotionally draining month of my life. I had finally grown tired, exhausted actually from trying to make what I wanted the most work. I had come to the point of realization that drastic changes were never going to be made unless they were by me. I talk to women daily through what I do for a living. Life, family, relationships, and love tend to be the biggest topics. For those that don’t know their worth, think they cannot do better, and put up with more then they should, I remind them to love themselves and not settle. I had become one of those women; the only difference was my stubbornness, my heart and not being a quitter wasn’t letting the advice I was receiving sink into my head. I wasn’t even taking my own advice.
I grew up with so much love and stability. Though life has taken me through some outrageous obstacles, the love, stability, and support from my family and friends has always been there. When you love someone so hard and want to spend your life with them, you do anything you can to make things right. I’ve always been a fighter, never a quitter, and afraid of failure. I stood strong as long as I could to not let what I loved fall apart. I lost myself and now that I was able to take the first step towards freeing myself from what had made me miserable for so long, I’m growing stronger. I may not be my old self completely just yet, but I have wonderful people in my life to remind me of who I was before I gave my heart and soul to someone that didn’t take care of it. Accepting that the person you wanted and loved preferred a dark, chaotic life instead of the good, love filled one you provided them with takes a toll on you. I finally accepted it…I FINALLY accepted it. It took a lot of tears, pain, denial, heartache, and still not easy to say, but I did.
I knew all this time I wasn’t the problem. I’m far from perfect. I’m human, I have flaws. But I’m loyal, honest, and have a heart and conscience. Unfortunately, those qualities weren’t given in return. I thought leading by example, showing a better way of life, and giving all the love I could, I’d mold a dysfunctional past into a better present and future. You can’t change people. No matter how much love you give them. I still have lots of healing to do but my mind is stronger despite the sting my heart still feels. I know one day that’ll go away. What’s important is that my mind isn’t clouded anymore and my heart has listened to it. Plus my intuition is never wrong. I’ve done what’s best for me for a change.
I’m grateful for my closest friends. Especially the ones that have been through the 5 years of my marriage. They never left my side and just wanted me to be happy even though they watched me totally lose myself. Things we go through in life brings us to see who really truly loves us. I’m blessed to have many that do. One of my best friends wrote a blog about me. Reading what she saw as an outsider looking in brought me to tears. What’s sad is, it was all true.
Now, I need to find myself again. Being a big ball of emotions, I know taking things day by day will get me there. I’m in no rush. However, I know now to not give so much of myself while not receiving anything in return. This goes for any type of relationship in my life. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right? And I am alive.
Check out my best friend’s blog:
To the Liar who Shattered a Great Life