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Seek and Destroy

March 4, 2014

Sharing these personal thoughts for a close friend:

Sometimes you look for things because you want to know the truth. But when you search for it, ask yourself what you’re going to do if you find the thing you know is happening, but can’t deal with. Is it better to leave it alone and pretend that everything is fine? Or is it better to know the truth and be hurt forever? Can you live with knowing the worst trait about something or someone you can’t live without? Once you find out the worst is true, what will you do with it? Will you ever be the same? Only time will tell if anything will ever be the same.

Deep down we all know that you will never be the same person you used to be before the hurt and pain. Trust is gone, hurt is there to stay.  You can move on but nothing will ever be the same. I’m not saying you won’t find happiness, but you have been shattered. Glass that has been shattered can never be repaired completely.  It can be glued back together, only to be seen as cracked. They may be well hidden cracks, but none the less, they are there to stay. 

I consider myself like a piece of Fine China that will never be as beautiful as I once was. This Fine China served him well, for many years. Saw him at the worst points of his life, Yet I shined for him unconditionally. I served him well even on the worst days. I am still Fine China, but not as valuable as I believed I was. The truth is I am actually irreplaceable.  I weathered the storm through and through. I did things that nobody else will ever do because we cannot go back in time. I can actually say that I was a blessing thrown upon the lap of someone. Someone that loved me, but took me for granted over and over again.

I was not always the beauty of life or the answer to a prayer, but I was good to him. I have loved him so hard that I could feel everything he did, felt, or wanted. I searched for what I believed was happening, because I felt it inside of my heart. I found it to be true, but now what? I am in my own worldly hell.  Every day is up and down, inside and out. Pain is shooting throughout my heart and soul like lightening. I am forever broken, hurt, torn, and violated.

So I caution you, Follow your instincts, but prepared for an avalanche of emotion. Get ready for the ride of your life that you will wish you had never been on. Ask yourself if the pain is going to be worth it, can you let go? The pain is not an option.  It is inevitable.  If you feel no pain, you don’t love the accused. But if you still love them, want them, or need them, pain will plant itself within you. For eternity you will remember the moment.  It may not hurt forever, but the memory will forever be etched into your mind and it will scar your heart. Be careful what you look for, you may just find it. It may change your life and your spirit forever and ever. Someone once said “seek and destroy”; it suits us well in all aspects of life, especially in love.

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