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Thursday Thoughts: Pain Behind the Smile

August 20, 2015

Hiding behind a smile, I was angry…I was so broken and devastated my world was torn apart, burned to ashes, and then blown away like it never happened. I married for the long run, till death was going to part us; choosing between keeping a blind eye, deaf ear, myself worth, and sanity lead me otherwise. I spent many sleepless nights crying, days walking around like a zombie, and waiting for the pain to fade. Friends tried to get me out of the funk I was in and tried to keep my spirits up; nothing worked. I went through this for so long, it literally wore me out. It grew me tired to the point I looked aged and broken. It didn’t matter what anyone did for me or said to me, I was at my lowest. I couldn’t breathe. I know I am not the only one out there that has felt the pain of heartache. It’s awful. It’ll slow you down and sometimes makes you look at life negatively. It’ll ruin you if you let it. It’ll turn you into a monster. Though some people feel comfortable staying angry and scorned, I chose otherwise.

You have to let go. You have to make yourself get up in the morning. You have to let go. When you part ways with someone you were in love with, unless they are fighting for you, there is nothing you can do to get them back. I learned the hard way. I fought long and hard for my marriage and lost myself along the way. Anger, jealousy, depression, sadness, and every ugly emotion you can think of filled my heart and mind up. I wished the person that broke my heart knew what it felt like. And I wish that pain on no one. As much as I wanted them to hurt as I did, all the ugliness I had in my heart from the pain literally prevented me from living life.

With time, knowing I made the right choice, and taking a good look at all the blessings I have in my life, I freed myself from all that was stopping me from living life. I am no longer angry and laugh more. The tears have dried up a ton and the sadness is now acceptance. I was done wasting my time hiding from all that’s a part of my life to keep feeding the heartbroken monster I had become. It’s been a day by day struggle, but I have gotten better every day. It feels good to smile again and not have pain behind it. Its liberating to feel again too. To those that live with heartache and hide the pain behind a smile…love yourself enough to let it go. Don’t waste your time trying to hurt who hurt you because all you are doing is hurting yourself, those that are around you, and love you. This is for the silent suffers…

Pain Behind the Smile

April Mae Monterrosa

Thursday thoughts are a series to share my random and personal thoughts with my readers so that they well get to know me a bit more. We all have a different outlook on life, feelings, emotions, and sense of humor. My Thursday thoughts series is just for fun, sharing, and to make you think of things yourself. 

Other Thursday Thoughts Blogs:

Thursday Thoughts 

Thoughts of Happiness

Dealing with Heartache

You Never Know Who’s Watching

Real Friends Filter The Fakes

I am Sorry

I Refuse

Closure

Cheater Choices

A Stepmom’s Father’s Day

Step-Mom Summer

A Writer at Heart

Friend or Foe

Who’s in Your Circle of Friends?

Time to Make Changes